he says that he’s quit heroin, acid, lsd and special k, with a sort of self-indulgent smile, a sort of shyness, these were the days, and i was young.

i look at him. he’s twenty one.

soundtrack : pretty good year – tori amos

10 — first coffee and cigarette of the day.
9 — maybe i got this email from a secret admirer, unlike the past 8676 mornings.
8 — let’s pick up the phone this time, if that goddamn devilish thing just won’t stop ringing.
7 — jack johnson – brushfire fairytales.
6 — if i made it through another night, then i can live through a brand new day, right ?
5 — a million pictures to work on.
4 — exhibition in a mythical place in a month to prepare.
3 — D-18, and counting down, till the magazine i’m being published in for the first time comes out.
2 — sonic youth, the white stripes, electrelane, blanche, buck 65, radio 4, hoggboy, muse, kaolin & archive in a week.
1 — noon isn’t morning anyway.

mon nouveau labo, il est juste ? 15 min ? pieds de chez moi. et ?a c’est le pied, justement.
? mon nouveau labo, tu peux demander un traitement de ouf de ton film, imagine qu’il ait ?t? pouss? de douze diaphs et qu’il ne soit possible de le d?velopper que dans de l’huile de vidange coup?e de vinaigre balsamique, pas de probl?me, ?a s’appelle “le traitement pro avec choix du r?v?lateur”. la classe. faut trop que j’essaie.
? mon nouveau labo, ils ont des boites aux lettres pour d?poser les films en dehors de heures d’ouverture. c’est pas mal ?a non plus.
et le must, ? mon nouveau labo, ils t’appellent quand les travaux sont pr?ts avant l’heure.
par exemple ce matin, dring, puis une voix avenante r?sonne dans l’oreillette de mon portable : “allo, Juliette Robert ? oui, c’est V. de chez P. et bien, c’?tait juste pour vous dire que vos travaux sont pr?ts avant l’heure, vous pouvez passer les chercher quand vous voulez.”
c’est deluxe, faut bien l’admettre. d’autant que tout devait ?tre pret demain soir. donc j’appr?cie beaucoup.
aucun accroc, on m’avait dit qu’on m’appellerait si c’?tait pr?t avant, et on m’a appel?, moi petite photographe qui mettait les pieds dans ce labo pro mythique pour la premi?re fois hier. d’ailleurs c’est simple, quand j’y suis all?e, hier donc, la gentille nana de l’accueil m’a offert un grand sourire en me disant : “vous n’?tes pas d?j? venue hier, par hasard ?”
si c’est pas le d?but de la gloire ?a. le fait que j’ai un sosie n’entre ?videmment pas en ligne de compte.

y’a juste un truc pas trop au point, ?a doit ?tre un r?glage minime de leur m?canisme bien huil? ou alors juste un truc ? rajouter au stabylo sur la pochette de la commande : est-ce que ce serait juste possible qu’ils n’appellent pas quand je suis sous la douche ?

[edit : et l?, tout bascule, c’est le drame, j’ai l’air bien con de devoir admettre que leurs scans “de lecture” sont ? chier. donc je pr?viens : j’ai un compte paypal, mon anniv’ c’est le 12 novembre et je voudrais un scanner film ? 850 euros…soit y’a des m?c?nes par ici, soit j’?cris direct au sultan du brune?, au pire, il m’enverra p’tet sa carte de visite en or massif.]

i wake up with the usual thunderstorm this morning, just like i’d fallen asleep to its sound a couple of nights before. I’d laid in bed, smiling to no one, wondering if i would get up to watch the rain pouring on the roofs and the lightnings, wondering if i would get up to play a mogwai cd. but i’d fallen asleep before really having to consider any getting up in the middle of the night option.

I get up eventually to a phone call, a band’s manager asks me if we can postpone the promo shooting to next week, i have a look at my schedule, press thingies on monday, festival on friday and saturday, work on sunday, wednesday is okay with me, i say. meanwhile, my other phone is ringing and it makes me grin.
i open the curtain and have a look at the roofs that i’ll come to miss dearly in just a few months, the sky has been washed and the air is incredibly refreshing. i can imagine myself in south france now. i summon the vision of the hill, and what’s left of the forest on my right, there’s probably a horse somewhere in the prairie, i can almost hear my mother having breakfast at the terrace outside, talking to my brothers or laughing with a friend on the phone.
i stare back at the sky and the glittering clouds are swimming so fast to the north-west that i can pretend that my boat is leaving just as fast. i enjoy for a moment having a hand on the tiller and the other playing with the mainsheet, i slowly luff until i’m ready to change tack, then turn back from the window and start to prepare coffee.

i glance at my to-do book, there are pictures to be sent to a band for their demo inside cover, others to a young actor, a few old ones to a performer, and the images for my next exhibition to the lab. i need to finish the still shots from last week’s musical video shooting. i upload the pictures of yesterday’s session and they look better than i thought, nothing incredible but they will have to do the trick. i need to put my camera’s battery to charge, empty the memory cards and prepare the pictures.
J. calls to cancel today’s session, tomorrow then. she makes me agree to go to the swimming pool with her tomorrow morning. i didn’t intend to go at first, but considering how it emptied my head yesterday, it would be stupid to refuse.
i might even go to her tai-chi course on friday morning. i might even start to take kung-fu or french boxing lessons with her and F. in september. it took me four months to accept the idea of giving it a try. maybe i want to try to stay fit, maybe i want to try to stop losing weight and maybe i want to try to evacuate the pressure and anxiety in an other way than smoking like a fireman, eating chocolate and being a wannabee sociopath. maybe i’m tired of being tired all the time, maybe i’m tired of feeling like shit all the time, maybe i’m tired of not sleeping at night.

another glance at my to-do book shows me that i also need to drop films to the lab, that i need to buy new ones, that i need to call a guy at a newspaper on my cousin’s advice, that i need to mail the woman in charge of a radio’s communication.
september is going to be a blast.
but i need a nap first.

soundtrack : it don’t matter – donavon frankenreiter