sometimes, no matter what, you just know. you know how it’s going to turn out. just like you wished. just like you hoped. you knew it all along.
the thing was just not to think about it too much. to let the pressure flow. to trust yourself. do what you know you do best.
it didn’t help that the camera had to be set properly at the beginning nor that the black and white film wouldn’t get in the damn thing at first, it probably didn’t help either that it felt cold in the room, that finding a nice spot to make the pictures was a challenge. that was precious time being lost, with the brain only turned on the how not to screw up mode, instead of envisionning calmly what was to be done, the result. there wasn’t a hint of image in that brain, but somehow, an instinct, something vital, as if life depended on these minutes.
then again, it wasn’t really panic, more like hoping that the eye was right when everything else said it was wrong. that light, that frame, that angle, that lense, that camera ? it was all wrong of course.
yet it wasn’t.
then the time was up, it was over, i t w a s o v e r . . . how could it ? it lasted what ? 30 seconds ? five minutes ? twelve ? already ? gotta be kidding, right ?
fine.
no, it wasn’t really fine. it was over before it started to become really good, before the brain started to work again and made clear, responsible and smart thoughts, before the tension didn’t make it a bit hard to breath anymore, before the hands stopped shaking a bit damnit.
yes, it was fine, i got what i needed, thanks.

i’m not looking at them, not yet, they’re ugly, i know it. i need time, i need to let them rest and have a life in my mind and imagination before i put my eyes on them and work on them.

now what ? hours spent to choose what looks best, and ?

oh well, you just knew it, it’s no fun anymore. besides, screwing that wouldn’t have been logical, after all these years, after every little thing leading to another, and another, events chained, causes and consequences, definitely, there’s a logic beyond that. which logic, i don’t know, it doesn’t even matter, the pics are just too damn gorgeous and i’m too damn proud of myself.

[edit] the next morning the pics are full of unforgivable flaws. should’ve known that would happen. oh well…[/edit]