i caught it and i cut it through and yes, i did it because you didn’t want me to. i know you didn’t say so, you could never decide one way or the other — no that isn’t true, you never even knew what you were supposed to do with it.
i found it in a box at the bottom of the closet in our room, i couldn’t remember to have seen that box before, you know, and it didn’t look like it could be yours. i opened the box, yes i was too curious again and i recognized it as soon as i saw it. disappointment grabbed me by the throat, it looked so much more dull than in my memories, but the fact is, in my mind it wasn’t dull at all. i thought i could give it back its shiny aspect. i loved that idea. it sort of woke up then, very strange, then it tried to escape, it started to fly, a short awkward flight and it fell down back in the box. i know how that sounds, i never imagined it could fly either, yet it did, see, we shouldn’t be allowed to decide what can and what can’t fly.
i took it in my hands and i sat on the bed. it laid there on my palms as i watched it carefully, i knew it was yours as much as it was mine, but i thought that you had forgotten all about it. it wasn’t in good shape, believe me, it was worn out and thin as the most thin paper. i fell into a kind of dream where everything it had been came alive before my eyes, but then i was conscious again, and i realized that it wasn’t more than a little thing that you have when you are a kid that you find again when you’re an adult. most of the times, you put it in a drawer with all the junk that you can’t decide to throw away and some other times, you just shake your head while putting it to the garbage. either way, soon enough you don’t think about it anymore.
that’s what it was for me, and i thought i was the same for you too, after all, i could barely remember the last time you mentionned it, let alone cared about it. but how was i supposed to know that you still did when you never even said it ? i believed that you would have done the same if you had found it first, you know that it wasn’t important anymore, you know that we had never used it in years, you know that it was taking some space, and most of all, you know that we would have had to destroy it sooner or later.
what did i do then ? i looked at it and i thought that i was sad because of its poor shape, but i realized that i was sad because i didn’t dislike it but i didn’t like it, i didn’t even hate it. so i decided to get rid of it and when i made that decision, i had the strong intuition that you wouldn’t want me to do that. i try not to do bad things intentionnally, you know that, so why have i done that knowing that it was just what you didn’t want me to do ? i don’t know. i really don’t. i can’t explain. i just had the urge to get rid of it, it was useless junk and i needed the box to put other stuff in it, don’t ask me why, i tell you i don’t know.
i let it a chance, though, in case you want to know. i thought that if it could fly, as it had when i opened the box, if it could, then i would put it back in the box and forget about it. i brought it close to my face, it was still on my palms, and i lightly blew on it. it didn’t fly, it didn’t even shiver. it fell down on the floor and made a cracking noise. before taking it and throwing it away, before never seeing it again, i wanted to know how it looked inside.
so i caught it and cut it through.
it was even more disappointing, i had guessed that i would discover how it had worked, but inside it, even though i’m still certain that it must have been complete at a time, there was nothing, it was empty.
soundtrack : william sheller – le carnet ? spirales
