[beware, that’s a long one]

the echoes of a distant battle warned us and awoken us to the danger long before i left.

it was the end of the day by then, or the end of the night, the end of a time that we had held comfortably with the vanity of our – wrong – feeling of security. it was over now, they were coming, and we knew with a growing certitude that we would be outnumbered by far, it was even no use to try to resist. now, the alarm had started to ring in our heads and our hearts, shortly after our ears became full of its shrieking screams.

but as the threat drew us closer to an unevitable ending, everything went silent outside and inside, except for the cutting sounds of our precise whispers.
i looked outside, through the window that led to a world that seemed incredibly distant, the sun was high in the sky, as pale as the grass – almost yellow – and suddenly the feeling of emergency that i had denied for all this time hit me like a boomerang. everybody started to talk fast, and move fast. we gathered our poor belongings, and reached for every important item in the corners of our cave. there were a few cans of food, a huge walkie talkie and its batteries, a gun of some sort, a compass and a map and various things that we needed to conceal, keep secret, all of which parts of some kind of treasure, our survival basic equipement, that only chance had put together – just like us.

i took a look at the wooden plank that we used as a table and our treasure. nobody quite knew what to do with it, it was obvious that it shouldn’t fall in our ennemy’s hands, but we were trapped and at this point, we didn’t feel like it would be useful ever again. we were envisionning our future with fatalism, none of us wanting to think nor talk about the “after”, not even our captain, a tall and lean fourty – or so – decided man, who kept his rare blond hair short and his beard unshaved.
i noticed a bag on the table, an old khaki army bag, and without really thinking about it, i put everything that mattered in it. there were a few dubious looks thrown at me, but i didn’t care all that much, and without a single word, i grabbed the bag and walked to the massive wooden door that closed our shelter.

i found myself in the open air, for the first time in what seemed ages by then. the plain around me was just as i had seen it from my little window, vast and of a faded green, as pale as if the sun had colored it in yellow tones, as it if it had been burnt and slowly recovering, it was undulating until the blurry horizon, deserted and unfriendly, like nearly dead. i started to run to make the more distance between the darkness of our cave that would soon be invaded by them, and an illusionnary country where i wouldn’t have any past and where i could rest for a while. immediately after i began to run, i felt like i was caught in a glued air, something thick and invisible that was slowing down every one of my moves, making my escape a thousand times harder than i thought it would be.
i glanced behind me, still running, and measured the distance. still nothing. still not nearly enough. i ran faster, and thought that i would probably be able to rest a bit – before running again – later. i couldn’t consider or imagine being out of breath and exhausted any time soon, if they caught me, if they caught me…well, that was out of question.
suddenly, as if i had been eventually capable of hearing again, i heard the voices of my friends of fortune behind, for real and in my head, i was aware that they were looking at me, and hoping for me, and i was thankful for that, even though their advice sort of bothered me.
i wasn’t following any clear path, just running as fast as i could in front of me, and i noticed after some time that there were in fact, small overland routes, that never seemed to begin nor end anywhere. i noticed some trees, too, short and dead, none of which i could hide behind and my pace become more frantic, as i heard some warnings in my head once again. around me, on the tiny paths, walking slowly at an irregular rhythm, all alone, there came the soldiers of the army that we had been dreading for nights and days. they didn’t carry any weapon, nor did they wear any combat suit, they weren’t trained fearless men, they were just boys, middle aged men, women and children, blindly walking, one after another, up and down the small hills, endlessly, toward a pointless goal…just like us.

the sterile landscape wouldn’t offer me any refuge, so while keeping a safe distance from the lonely walkers, i didn’t make any attempt to try to hide. i thought that if i ran fast enough, for long enough, i would be safe eventually, and the rest didn’t matter much to me. from time to time, i took a look behind me and i started to relax only when the point where i assumed our shelter was seemed like a tiny particle of dust to my eyes. i was tempted to take the compass and the map and find some kind of direction, but above all, i was afraid to stop : i had left on a roaming for the sake of an unprecise mission, without even knowing who i was and what i was fighting for, but as long as i was believing in it, and in the importance of my escape, i couldn’t take the risk to be caught. i was probably doing what i was supposed to do, and i had accepted this fate with a resignation tinted with a vague despair.

after what seemed a long while, i quickly looked behind me again, for the sake of it, and that’s when i saw you. you were walking fast up on one of the very small hills in the short grass, under the same pale sun that had been covering up my race. although it wasn’t hot, the sun’s reflections on the ground were creating a haze, like the grass had been changed into boiling water, and you, without hesitation, you were walking through it, to me. i could see your mouth forming some words that i couldn’t hear nor decipher, but i guessed that you were asking me to wait for you. i turned back, just walking this time, as not to stop, but as to tell you that if you could reach me, i would gladly take my chance to escape with you.
you did reach me, eventually, and we didn’t say much, not much that i can remember anyway. m aybe a greeting of some sort. maybe you were out of breath. maybe i was surprised. maybe you thought you couldn’t let me leave all alone. maybe i didn’t even know you were there in the first place. maybe you smiled. maybe i watched the sun melt your hair into gold. but in the end, i became aware of an immense relief invading my blood, a new strength full of hope was flooding me, i wasn’t alone under the sun on this day that never seemed to pass, and more clearly, i wouldn’t be alone no matter where i would end up when all of this would be over.

but even though, i felt a strange sense of responsability toward you, i had left, and it was my decision, my fault, and if not for me, you wouldn’t have left, you would be with our group, you would do what you were told, you wouldn’t take any chance, you wouldn’t be put too mush at risk, but because of me, from now on, you would sleep under the stars, cold rains would wash your face more that you would have wanted, you would taste the dust of the roads, and you would live under tired skies and rusty suns. i felt grateful for your choice, but i couldn’t help but feel guilty as well.

we started to walk again, and we did as long as our legs could bear us. we crossed small villages with old wooden houses, we walked through fields that stretched out and over until our hazy horizon, we tasted strong warm winds over bare hills and i had memories of dreams of places that i would never see : the ruins of an old castle at night, which we could attain only by a tiny bridge of stone, high cathedrals, roads that i was supposed to know but that led nowhere, intersections without signs, and all the images faded away as soon as i focused on them.

after what seemed both a minute and a year – but neither any – , we reached another small village which we passed through, and at the end of the road, i noticed a high tower of iron that we could climb with a wooden ladder. despite my fear of vertigo, i decided to give it a try, and soon, we found ourselves on a platform, near the highest point of the tower, and i saw that the tower was actually two, or three, even. there was the iron part of it, anchored to the land, about two by two meters square, with a giant gap in the middle that led directly to the ground. attached to it, there was our platform, suspended in the air, and tiny stone stairs were leading to the third part, the ancient tower of a castle hanging to nothing but the stairs and few more ladders, from which we could have the clearest view on the surroudings. it was a little castle in the sky, without any railing to protect us from the void all around, and it was crowded.

the incredible height made me uncomfortable and i put down my bag with extreme precaution, trying not to look under me while you seemed only to wait for me to decide what to do next. your trust was giving me boosts of self-confidence, your smile and enthousiasm, your words, everything in you was soothing me, as if you were strongly holding on to the belief that no decision i would make could be wrong – even if they were wrong.

i began to observe the people all around. most of them were gathered on the top of the iron tower, and from time to time, one of them would simply dive into the hole, carefully, and slowly fall out of my view. at first, i thought that there must have been some kind of pool down, where they were all diving, but the reality was of another kind : there wasn’t any swimming pool under the tower, they were just diving in the air, falling with no fear of dying, and after what seemed ages, they were all coming up on the top of the tower again, taking their turn, and jumping one more time, silently, almost shyly, like what they were doing was some kind of secret, as if they knew that a long as they were doing it the right way, falling down with no security line wasn’t putting their life at stake.

on the old tower, some tourists were climbing up and down to enjoy the view, and i was jealous of their courage, the ladders and stairs were all thin and dangerous, but everyone was acting as if they knew no fear at all.
soon, another scene caught my eyes : on the platform near us was a strange tall slender girl, her short hair was of a natural pale blond, and her eyes were of a magnetic blue. i recognized her as soon as i saw her, i knew her, i knew her name, although i couldn’t remember having met her before. she distractedly recognized me and went on with her strange activity. unlike the others who were diving inside the tower, and as i had understood later, who could grab nets hanging on the inner walls if something went wrong, she was really defying gravity. concentrated and absent to the world outside her, she would slowly fall from the platform, her arms open as if to embrace the void, and she would lean in the air, half swimming with precise complicated gestures. she wouldn’t stay long on her fly, pretty soon, one of her feet would make contact with the wooden edges of the platform, and like in slow motion, she would straighten up and land, her eyes unfocused and her gaze lost into something that we couldn’t access.

i was fascinated. she did it, in hundred different ways, for some time. as the platform began to be really crowded with tourists, i felt that the day might come to an end, after all. the strange girl was taking a rest, and you muttered something about climbing to the tower. i accepted to defy my fear, just for you, because i wanted to help you if you needed, because i was conscious that our gestures toward each other had became more tender and warm, that we were strangely bonded together, and i didn’t want to lose the sight of you, even for a second.
before we began to climb to the tower, i tried to ask to the strange girl how she was doing it, how she could be so confident with the void that i dreaded, but she didn’t reply, and i guessed from her look that it was something for me to find out.

eventually, we went up to the tower before leaving, and as we had thought, the view was spectacular, we were far above the clouds, but we could still watch the land below, tiny roads and villages and the huge sun that had begun to fall lower on the horizon.
we sat down, our legs balancing in the quiet emptiness, and we stayed silent.
in the end, i wasn’t more certain of what it was all about than before i had left our cave, i was conscious that we were now embarked on a long journey, and that we would have to leave the castle in the sky soon, but i wasn’t in a hurry anymore, this very long day would soon be over, and as long as you were with me, i could rest and enjoy for a while sitting on the edge of the world.

– won’t wanna wake up if it’s too sweet…