i always remember her eyes first. how they used to burn me. third degree scald, inevitable slow death. i loved it. but she never wanted to kill me with those fires she was constantly wrapping me in. much more of the contrary. time has washed her looks, the details of her eyes lose their delicate sharpness, the colors are fading away, but not the twinge, not the missed heartbeats, not the electricity at the end of my fingers.

she offered me a picture that she had made of herself not long before we had met. it is black and white, or more of an admirable scale of grays. a hundred shades for her mouth, a thousand for her hair, a million for her eyes. i’m not exaggerating. i have counted. i have looked at this picture so much, reconstructing her intimate and personnal tones so many times, that i can almost decipher again which colors her eyes were made of. you would say, you can always remember one or a couple of words to tell the colors of someone’s eyes. if you want to go for this, yes, i can : blue and green with sparkles of gold. that won’t tell you much — not that it tells me much either. you would have had to see them, to watch them as carefully as i used to. if i showed you the picture, perhaps you would understand better.
it has been some time now and i can still see them quite perfectly. but i need the picture to help me. the corners are worn, and it feels like the surface has lost its glossy aspect. it looks like i have pulled it out from my wallet at least once a day for like forty years. which is exactly what i have done. except it is thirty-seven years.

i still don’t know how she had managed to make that picture, it is something that i can’t figure out. how you can make a self-portrait and still look that intense when there is no one at the other end of the camera. i have never known much about photography, but there is this thing that i can’t understand, i came to realize it one night, after looking at her picture for a long time, i had let my thoughts wander far, far from her as i knew her, i was trying to look beyond her image. i tried to imagine the scene, how it had been like, how she had set up her camera, on a tripod maybe or on a table, how she had calculated the light on her face, had she been in her kitchen, had she been in her room, was it an early morning, afternoon maybe, late spring ?
or had it all been a hazard, a strike of beautiful luck ?
explaining the hows didn’t tell me much. i guess that i could have brought the picture to some professional photographer, someone who would have made hypothesis much more accurate than mine. but after the hows, it is the whats that bothered me. what had she been looking at, what had she been thinking, what gave her that expression, which thought, which idea, which desire, it tortured me. it still does, but less, somehow. what had she been before i had known her ?

i have always thought that the shutter had snapped a thousandth of second before she had completely finished to raise her head. i can’t prove it, of course, but i feel it deep, intuition, gut feeling, whatever you want to call that. there isn’t a hint of a motion blur, but maybe it is in her mid-long curly hair, the way it falls around her face, maybe it is in her slightly open mouth but maybe it is only in her eyes. she looks like she is caught — but not by surprise — like she has caught herself and her full attention, willingly, like she has tied herself, like she has surrendered eventually, remaining proud and strong in defeat, proud but helpless. i still don’t have any idea what it was she had fought that day, and the past days, months, years. i have never seen her with that face, that look, even though i could begin to interpret it only many years after.

she never liked that image of her. she said it when she gave it to me. back then, i didn’t see the despair in it, i just thought that she looked striking. i asked her why she didn’t like it, but she never said, she only replied that she believed that she could trust me with it. her answer puzzled me, if she didn’t like it, she could have never shown it, she could have ripped it, burnt it, what do i know ?
but why giving it ? i asked, and why me ?
she made half a smile, amusedly, take it as a gift, she said, something unique for someone unique. then she got up and went to take a couple of beers in the refrigerator.
and you ask too many questions, she added without looking at me, still showing her back.
it didn’t take me long to learn when i was off-limits.

why is it that i always feel like a kid when i’m talking to you, i asked her one day. she burst out laughing, she laughed for the longest time ever. it was so communicative that i couldn’t help but laugh, too. she finally told me, it’s cause you’re only living your first life baby, and me, i’m living my ninth and last one, make the count…she tilted her head and lightly shrugged her shoulders. she was not mocking me, no trace of irony or condescension in her tone. she laughed again, probably because of the look i must have had on my face, but i knew, she had not been lying, she had been more serious than i had ever seen her.

it wasn’t long after this talk that she started to regularly ask me questions about how much i trusted her, how much she could trust me, like whether i would never fail her, no matter what.
you’d be ready to do anything i ask you, to help me ?
i said yes, i said i would, i said i was ready.
thank you, she replied slowly, still not leaving my eyes, but if you want, you can always change your mind, and i won’t blame you.
i won’t, i said.
don’t make any promise, she warned me.

she was frightening and beautiful, the more i was burnt, the more i indulged in it, and i walked through that part of my life with the smile of those who have nothing to lose anymore.
she woke me up one day at dawn.
i’m gonna need you now, she started, do you still want to help me ?
i didn’t hesitate.
yes, i said, yes of course. what can i do ?
i need you to help me disappear. her voice was clear, her tone resolute, i started to shake.
i didn’t ask anything. i waited.
she told me what she needed me to do, and i did what i was told.

i wished that i had never known her, i wanted to escape, i wanted to lay down and die. but she would look at me, envelopping me in her brilliance. please don’t, you’ll be alright, you don’t know it yet but trust me.
and i did. i trusted her more than myself because my curse was to give her unconditionnal love and her curse was to bewitch people like me. at the end of the day, as i noticed that i had never stopped crying, she asked me to stand up and close my eyes, i felt her inches from my face, her scent, her breath, she kissed my cheeks and every tear, and the corners of my mouth with an infinite tenderness. please, kill me, i said in a whisper. i will, she muttered back. and when i opened my eyes again after an eternity, still standing at the same spot, it was all over.

it took me some time, but i erased all traces of her, of her life in her appartment, in the city, in this country, in this life. i didn’t keep any evidence, i kept my silent promise to an absent, i just had this picture of her. i couldn’t erase the memories that she had put in everyone, but i knew that she had done that herself somehow, during all the years that she had lived here. nobody ever knew what happened to her, and me, after these long years, i’m not certain anymore, i can’t tell for sure, there is so much that i never knew and will never know.
i never asked any question.
i wish i had.
sometimes it feels like none of this has happened. sometimes it feels like i have made that up. so i hold on to the picture, her eyes are what i always remember first.

sountrack : huh…hoggboy – don’t get lost

the complete version is quite longer and much more boring. and only 100 pics left. and tigan, if you would wake up just so i could get up and go to the bathroom, life would be perfect.

[beware, that’s a long one]

the echoes of a distant battle warned us and awoken us to the danger long before i left.

it was the end of the day by then, or the end of the night, the end of a time that we had held comfortably with the vanity of our – wrong – feeling of security. it was over now, they were coming, and we knew with a growing certitude that we would be outnumbered by far, it was even no use to try to resist. now, the alarm had started to ring in our heads and our hearts, shortly after our ears became full of its shrieking screams.

but as the threat drew us closer to an unevitable ending, everything went silent outside and inside, except for the cutting sounds of our precise whispers.
i looked outside, through the window that led to a world that seemed incredibly distant, the sun was high in the sky, as pale as the grass – almost yellow – and suddenly the feeling of emergency that i had denied for all this time hit me like a boomerang. everybody started to talk fast, and move fast. we gathered our poor belongings, and reached for every important item in the corners of our cave. there were a few cans of food, a huge walkie talkie and its batteries, a gun of some sort, a compass and a map and various things that we needed to conceal, keep secret, all of which parts of some kind of treasure, our survival basic equipement, that only chance had put together – just like us.

i took a look at the wooden plank that we used as a table and our treasure. nobody quite knew what to do with it, it was obvious that it shouldn’t fall in our ennemy’s hands, but we were trapped and at this point, we didn’t feel like it would be useful ever again. we were envisionning our future with fatalism, none of us wanting to think nor talk about the “after”, not even our captain, a tall and lean fourty – or so – decided man, who kept his rare blond hair short and his beard unshaved.
i noticed a bag on the table, an old khaki army bag, and without really thinking about it, i put everything that mattered in it. there were a few dubious looks thrown at me, but i didn’t care all that much, and without a single word, i grabbed the bag and walked to the massive wooden door that closed our shelter.

i found myself in the open air, for the first time in what seemed ages by then. the plain around me was just as i had seen it from my little window, vast and of a faded green, as pale as if the sun had colored it in yellow tones, as it if it had been burnt and slowly recovering, it was undulating until the blurry horizon, deserted and unfriendly, like nearly dead. i started to run to make the more distance between the darkness of our cave that would soon be invaded by them, and an illusionnary country where i wouldn’t have any past and where i could rest for a while. immediately after i began to run, i felt like i was caught in a glued air, something thick and invisible that was slowing down every one of my moves, making my escape a thousand times harder than i thought it would be.
i glanced behind me, still running, and measured the distance. still nothing. still not nearly enough. i ran faster, and thought that i would probably be able to rest a bit – before running again – later. i couldn’t consider or imagine being out of breath and exhausted any time soon, if they caught me, if they caught me…well, that was out of question.
suddenly, as if i had been eventually capable of hearing again, i heard the voices of my friends of fortune behind, for real and in my head, i was aware that they were looking at me, and hoping for me, and i was thankful for that, even though their advice sort of bothered me.
i wasn’t following any clear path, just running as fast as i could in front of me, and i noticed after some time that there were in fact, small overland routes, that never seemed to begin nor end anywhere. i noticed some trees, too, short and dead, none of which i could hide behind and my pace become more frantic, as i heard some warnings in my head once again. around me, on the tiny paths, walking slowly at an irregular rhythm, all alone, there came the soldiers of the army that we had been dreading for nights and days. they didn’t carry any weapon, nor did they wear any combat suit, they weren’t trained fearless men, they were just boys, middle aged men, women and children, blindly walking, one after another, up and down the small hills, endlessly, toward a pointless goal…just like us.

the sterile landscape wouldn’t offer me any refuge, so while keeping a safe distance from the lonely walkers, i didn’t make any attempt to try to hide. i thought that if i ran fast enough, for long enough, i would be safe eventually, and the rest didn’t matter much to me. from time to time, i took a look behind me and i started to relax only when the point where i assumed our shelter was seemed like a tiny particle of dust to my eyes. i was tempted to take the compass and the map and find some kind of direction, but above all, i was afraid to stop : i had left on a roaming for the sake of an unprecise mission, without even knowing who i was and what i was fighting for, but as long as i was believing in it, and in the importance of my escape, i couldn’t take the risk to be caught. i was probably doing what i was supposed to do, and i had accepted this fate with a resignation tinted with a vague despair.

after what seemed a long while, i quickly looked behind me again, for the sake of it, and that’s when i saw you. you were walking fast up on one of the very small hills in the short grass, under the same pale sun that had been covering up my race. although it wasn’t hot, the sun’s reflections on the ground were creating a haze, like the grass had been changed into boiling water, and you, without hesitation, you were walking through it, to me. i could see your mouth forming some words that i couldn’t hear nor decipher, but i guessed that you were asking me to wait for you. i turned back, just walking this time, as not to stop, but as to tell you that if you could reach me, i would gladly take my chance to escape with you.
you did reach me, eventually, and we didn’t say much, not much that i can remember anyway. m aybe a greeting of some sort. maybe you were out of breath. maybe i was surprised. maybe you thought you couldn’t let me leave all alone. maybe i didn’t even know you were there in the first place. maybe you smiled. maybe i watched the sun melt your hair into gold. but in the end, i became aware of an immense relief invading my blood, a new strength full of hope was flooding me, i wasn’t alone under the sun on this day that never seemed to pass, and more clearly, i wouldn’t be alone no matter where i would end up when all of this would be over.

but even though, i felt a strange sense of responsability toward you, i had left, and it was my decision, my fault, and if not for me, you wouldn’t have left, you would be with our group, you would do what you were told, you wouldn’t take any chance, you wouldn’t be put too mush at risk, but because of me, from now on, you would sleep under the stars, cold rains would wash your face more that you would have wanted, you would taste the dust of the roads, and you would live under tired skies and rusty suns. i felt grateful for your choice, but i couldn’t help but feel guilty as well.

we started to walk again, and we did as long as our legs could bear us. we crossed small villages with old wooden houses, we walked through fields that stretched out and over until our hazy horizon, we tasted strong warm winds over bare hills and i had memories of dreams of places that i would never see : the ruins of an old castle at night, which we could attain only by a tiny bridge of stone, high cathedrals, roads that i was supposed to know but that led nowhere, intersections without signs, and all the images faded away as soon as i focused on them.

after what seemed both a minute and a year – but neither any – , we reached another small village which we passed through, and at the end of the road, i noticed a high tower of iron that we could climb with a wooden ladder. despite my fear of vertigo, i decided to give it a try, and soon, we found ourselves on a platform, near the highest point of the tower, and i saw that the tower was actually two, or three, even. there was the iron part of it, anchored to the land, about two by two meters square, with a giant gap in the middle that led directly to the ground. attached to it, there was our platform, suspended in the air, and tiny stone stairs were leading to the third part, the ancient tower of a castle hanging to nothing but the stairs and few more ladders, from which we could have the clearest view on the surroudings. it was a little castle in the sky, without any railing to protect us from the void all around, and it was crowded.

the incredible height made me uncomfortable and i put down my bag with extreme precaution, trying not to look under me while you seemed only to wait for me to decide what to do next. your trust was giving me boosts of self-confidence, your smile and enthousiasm, your words, everything in you was soothing me, as if you were strongly holding on to the belief that no decision i would make could be wrong – even if they were wrong.

i began to observe the people all around. most of them were gathered on the top of the iron tower, and from time to time, one of them would simply dive into the hole, carefully, and slowly fall out of my view. at first, i thought that there must have been some kind of pool down, where they were all diving, but the reality was of another kind : there wasn’t any swimming pool under the tower, they were just diving in the air, falling with no fear of dying, and after what seemed ages, they were all coming up on the top of the tower again, taking their turn, and jumping one more time, silently, almost shyly, like what they were doing was some kind of secret, as if they knew that a long as they were doing it the right way, falling down with no security line wasn’t putting their life at stake.

on the old tower, some tourists were climbing up and down to enjoy the view, and i was jealous of their courage, the ladders and stairs were all thin and dangerous, but everyone was acting as if they knew no fear at all.
soon, another scene caught my eyes : on the platform near us was a strange tall slender girl, her short hair was of a natural pale blond, and her eyes were of a magnetic blue. i recognized her as soon as i saw her, i knew her, i knew her name, although i couldn’t remember having met her before. she distractedly recognized me and went on with her strange activity. unlike the others who were diving inside the tower, and as i had understood later, who could grab nets hanging on the inner walls if something went wrong, she was really defying gravity. concentrated and absent to the world outside her, she would slowly fall from the platform, her arms open as if to embrace the void, and she would lean in the air, half swimming with precise complicated gestures. she wouldn’t stay long on her fly, pretty soon, one of her feet would make contact with the wooden edges of the platform, and like in slow motion, she would straighten up and land, her eyes unfocused and her gaze lost into something that we couldn’t access.

i was fascinated. she did it, in hundred different ways, for some time. as the platform began to be really crowded with tourists, i felt that the day might come to an end, after all. the strange girl was taking a rest, and you muttered something about climbing to the tower. i accepted to defy my fear, just for you, because i wanted to help you if you needed, because i was conscious that our gestures toward each other had became more tender and warm, that we were strangely bonded together, and i didn’t want to lose the sight of you, even for a second.
before we began to climb to the tower, i tried to ask to the strange girl how she was doing it, how she could be so confident with the void that i dreaded, but she didn’t reply, and i guessed from her look that it was something for me to find out.

eventually, we went up to the tower before leaving, and as we had thought, the view was spectacular, we were far above the clouds, but we could still watch the land below, tiny roads and villages and the huge sun that had begun to fall lower on the horizon.
we sat down, our legs balancing in the quiet emptiness, and we stayed silent.
in the end, i wasn’t more certain of what it was all about than before i had left our cave, i was conscious that we were now embarked on a long journey, and that we would have to leave the castle in the sky soon, but i wasn’t in a hurry anymore, this very long day would soon be over, and as long as you were with me, i could rest and enjoy for a while sitting on the edge of the world.

– won’t wanna wake up if it’s too sweet…

– hey…
– hey.
– i know it’s kinda late…but felt like callin’…
– good to hear ya.
– how’re ya ?
– fine, yeah…uh, fine. ya ?
– good too here…hm..yeah, good.
– …
– so..uh…what up ?
– dunno. stuff. y’know, the usual. i guess. ya ?
– huh, work y’know. and-uh, yeah, kinda the same…actually.
– yeah… i see.
– am i…disturbin’ ?
– no no, *chuckle* not at all…’s’ok.
– good. i know it’s late…but…i just felt huh…
– …like callin’…?
– *chuckle* yeah. hope i ain’t botherin’ too much with my curiosity, y’know…
– *laugh* no, guess it wouldn’t be like you, eh ?
– *laugh* no. guess not. but you don’t say much anyway, do ya ?
– hmm…no. not really.
– …
– …but what can i say, huh ?
– dunno. whatever. watcha wanna tell ?
– uh. dunno…i’m worn out…
– how’s that ?
– dunno…just worn out…exhausted…it’s all – uh – hard to tell, dunno really how i feel…’f’you wanna know the truth…
– hmm…y’never know how ya feel…
– yeah.
– …
– and-uh…y’know, the balance, ‘s’hard to keep it, keep control, y’know, that balance…
– i see…yeah…your extremes…
– yeah…’s’funny though…cuz-uh…i don’t really think ’bout it, most of the times, ‘s’just the way i get by, y’know…uh…’s’not that it keeps me awake or anythin’, but-uh…*sigh*
– …
– yeah…feels like, huh…dunno…’m’on the verge of somethin’…
– like what ?…
– like i dunno…
– like what ??
– dunno like what…y’ask, ‘n i’m tryin’ to think…
– think ’bout what ?
– ev’rythin’…ev’rythin’ i possibly can…y’know, it all bounce in my head, ‘n mix up, ‘n-uh…
– ‘n it scares ya huh ?
– yeah…pretty much…’s’not so much a matter of bein’ scared, y’know, but-uh…’s’just how to keep control of it…direct it…
– why d’ya wanna be in control all the times ?
– huh…dunno…guess i fear not bein’ in control of my fear…*chuckle*
– …’t’least it makes ya laugh…
– *chuckle* yeah…guess it’s gotta make someone laugh ’bout it…
– …
– …
– ‘n what else ?
– huh…’t’d be too long to tell ya…
– got time…
– *sigh* dunno what else…not sure i wanna tell ya all…’m’so tired most of the times…so tired…
– ‘f’what ?
– ‘f’bein’ tired i guess…
– y’should sleep…
– yeah…guess i should…
– …
– … guess i should sleep for a hundred years, y’know, ‘n wake up ‘n start it all over again…huh…like fresh…like new… dunno…
– but you can’t…
– no…
– …
– i can’t do that…*sigh*
– …so ?…
– huh…dunno…i empty my head anyway i can, y’know…feels good enough for now…
– yeah…i know the feelin’…
– been here before, eh ?
– yeah…like you…
– yeah, like me…
– ‘xcept y’know where you’re goin’, right ?
– yeah…maybe…maybe i know…huh…but-uh… watcha do when…when y’ve got but a week to grow up ?… like-uh… dunno, last week of-uh… bein’ like the someone you been livin’ with for like…all your life ?…
– huh…guess i can’t give ya any answer…’s’your call to figure that out…
– *sigh*
– think y’lose yourself in the process ?
– dunno…’s’just that-uh… feel pretty much irresponsible ‘n…uncapable…
– ‘f’what ?
– ‘f’ev’rythin’…can’t learn to take care ‘f’myself in ’bout a week, right ?
– ‘n how ya lived until now ?
– …huh…don’t ask me…*chuckle*
– y’ll be fine…
– yeah yeah…like i always am…
– no…you will be fine, i mean it.
– thanks…
– ya should get some sleep…i’ll leave ya now.
– yeah…thanks…
– promise you will.
– can’t do that. but-uh… can try maybe…
– *sigh* fair enough…
– …
– talk to ya soon ?
– not too soon…
– okay… whenever…
– yeah…whenever it’s late enough…
– uh…sweet dreams then…
– won’t wanna wake up if it’s too sweet…
– try to breathe, sometimes…
– i will…
– bye…
– bye.

– i think i’ve missed the point, i said.
is it so much a matter of point ?
you stopped writing, raising your head from your small notepad, and looked straight into my eyes, with that resigned look that i know all too well.
you had taken me for a silent walk on the shore again, and i couldn’t tell what you were looking for that always brought you back here when we were together.
give me some explanation.
– i just love this place, you answered with a genuine smile.
just loving something is always good enough for you to explain about anything, and as i loved that part of you, i followed you and stayed with you every time you summoned me, even when there wasn’t any obvious point to your lonely walks.

“Skip like a stone on the water
Fall with no trace to lie permanently”
you were writing again, singing a song of love and hate to yourself.
i looked at the ocean, enjoying the soft wind on my face, my eyes closed. i knew exactly the moment when you took your camera and aimed at me.
– it’s unfair, i’m always somewhere in your pictures, i muttered with a sigh, my eyes still closed.
– not always.
i could guess that you shrugged your shoulders when you went on :
– i do also take pictures of people, you know !
– yeah, out of focus, unknown “people”, i mocked you.
– well fuck you !
i felt you turning away from me, and trying to make a frame once again. you simply didn’t notice you were still aiming at me.
we live in parallel universes.
i opened my eyes, and looked around us, your shadow that seemed to run away from you in the short grass, the tiny chapel so white that it was catching all the sun reflections and make me blink, the cliffs from which you could frame the ocean and waves in thousand different ways until you would get something that would satisfy you for more than a few seconds.
nothing is good enough, i know.
– what do i look like in your pictures ? i was curious.
– nothing more than what you are : a massive pain in the ass, you replied on the casual tone you use when you’re half joking but still half serious.
i didn’t feel hurt, i know you need me as badly as your own eyes.
– yet, people will say it’s another gorgeous shot.
i was teasing you, for the sake of it. you didn’t seem too concerned though.
– i’m not interested in people’s opinions, you replied briskly.
i laughed.
liar.

we finally got up and climbed down the hill without following any of the well designed paths. inspiration had left you and i didn’t want to know any of the words you had written, for nothing you were writing these days was helping you in any way. you just hadn’t realized it yet.
we walked silently for a while, stopping sometimes to have a look at the light and consider the day done by then. i needed to start our repetitive conversation again, because we could never get to any compromise.
– are you sure you really need me ? i began.
you looked surprised, as if i’d betrayed you.
– what a fucking stupid question ! you nearly shouted, as anger was speaking for you.
– that’s still not an answer, i said on a soft tone, giving you a side glance. thin as you are, i was always amazed that you could stand in heavy winds without being carried away. but maybe that was your way to believe you could fly.
now don’t sigh.

you sighed. so unsure of yourself. hitting where it hurt was my game as much as it was your own.
we finally reached the jetty, where you used to play in the rocks all day long when you were a kid, and you still hadn’t given me any sort of answer – or any answer that i would find acceptable. at the far end, where the waves were trying to lick our feet, you kept watching the sun for as long as you felt that the world outside yourself didn’t need you. then you looked straight into my eyes, with that tense look, almost feverish, that can carry all what you live for, and i couldn’t guess whether you were about to explode in tears or in laughter.
– i’m leaving tomorrow, you know, you whispered with a dry edge in your voice, as if every word you were saying to me was a knife you were using to stab yourself.
i’ll meet you there again, then.
– you don’t want to change, do you ?
– i don’t know, maybe i would, but i’m scared to, i’m scared that i can’t…
are anger and fear your only motivations ?
– i’ll meet you there again, then.
tame your own monsters.

i started to walk slowly backwards, as not to lose the sight of you defying the wind, lost in your thoughts, and after a few steps, i took back the path of my mists.

i heard you sing again your song of love and hate to me.
and as i needed to teach you to live without your dear friend solitude,
i didn’t turn back, this time…

– i feel like i’ve missed a train, somewhere, i said.
but was it a train ?
you rearranged gently my scarf around my neck, then looked straight into my eyes, with that inherent sadness that i can’t learn to decipher.
say something.

we walked slowly, hands in our pockets because we’d forgotten our gloves. the evening was cold as usual, and i wished i’d take you to the house where we could build a fire, and stay silent in each other’s warmth.
that’s what i said, then.
you laughed quietly, looking at your shoes, just like you were playing some illogical and eternal game with your shadow.
– you never learn, do you ? was your answer.
i smiled.
i can’t learn what you can’t teach.

i took you to the banks of the river, where we watched the sun get burnt in the clouds.
– i can’t teach you to be happy, you said thoughtfully as if you had read in my thoughts. well, maybe you had, actually, read in my mind.
– i’m just asking you to teach me to live, i replied.
– you won’t learn that until you make me leave. it’s the only lesson you can learn from me, you muttered giving me a side glance.
i laughed.
– you don’t really mean it, i know it.
is it what you want ?
– okay, no, you conceded.
a pause. forever.

but you went on.
– still you wish you could make me leave, don’t you ?
saying no would have been a lie, you know.
– yeah, fuck you and leave me now, i said with a dry humour.
you burst out laughing, surprisingly so hard that tears rolled down on your cheeks.
– c’mon then, catch me and kick me out if you can !
i started to run after you, on the deserted paved banks near the dark waters.
i was out of breath long before you. so while you ran further away from me, still laughing, i dug my camera out of my bag and fixed your silhouette as you were approaching the massive arch of the bridge, under a halo of dim light.
you stopped right then, with the decisive click of the shutter.
can i picture the invisible ?

you came back slowly, your regular pace that never makes a sound.
– you can’t picture the invisible, you know, you said a few steps from me.
you rearranged gently my scarf around my neck, then looked straight into my eyes, with that inherent sadness that i can’t learn to decipher.
– i feel like i’ve missed a train, somewhere.
but was it a train ?

so you put your arm around my shoulders, as we started to walk side by side again, our hands in our pockets because we had forgotten our gloves.
we found the way back home, taking our time, for we couldn’t care less about how late it was. i didn’t dare to make you pose for me, even when the lights and surroundings would have been perfect to frame you. we just weren’t in the mood anymore.

later, as i was finally ready to go to bed, i set the alarm and turned out the lights.

– g’night, dear friend solitude.
but you didn’t reply, this time…