i know i shouldn’t, but this old topic has to come up to my mind regularly, or i’d lose myself and the little insight that i have on myself.
what if suddenly, i stopped moving, and stayed still until everthing – doesn’t – come to me ?
what if suddenly, i stopped struggling for some hypothetical results, a distant future that i can never guess ?
what if suddenly, i stopped being convinced that my eye worth more than just anybody’s eye ?
what if suddenly, i stopped believing that i’m an artist ?
what if suddenly, i stopped trusting my good fortune ?
what if suddenly, i stopped deciding every day when i wake up that i can’t let it down ?
what if suddenly, i stopped thinking that it’s just stronger than me ?

what if suddenly, i stopped having pictures in my head and tried to draw them with a camera ?

i want to tell you a story. a couple of weeks ago, i was trying to find sleep, it was very late, maybe three, maybe four, i don’t know, i had lost the count of the hours dangling in my room, slowly dropping from the darkness and getting my brain confused.
i had lost myself in thoughts, i was envisionning possibilities for this summer. would i be able to make it ? would it worth it ? did i have the shadow of a chance ? could it go as i wanted it ? i was worried, making counts of everything, remembering dates, schedules, prices, and to quit envisionning numbers frighteningly high, i started to imagine the kind of images i should/would/could make there, maybe.
and something precise came to me, i saw in black and white the face of a woman, sitting down with some papers in her hands. she was some singer, and i was standing a few meters from her, looking at her lost in her thoughts. as i decided to picture her, and aimed at her from my side of the lens, a man dressed in black came in my frame from the left between us, just as she suddenly stared at me, and i pressed the shutter-release slowly.
on the picture, her face was cut in half by the man, and one of her intense eyes was still gazing at me.

i played with this imaginary picture like a toy until i found sleep, eventually, sometimes later. then i forgot it.

last friday, i was playing with my camera backstage, and i made the picture you can see tonight. it’s not finished, because no one is staring at me, but it just a matter of time.
but what bothers me tonight is : what if suddenly, i stopped having pictures in my head and tried to draw them with a camera ?