huh…well, yeah, no, not now, i don’t know, i’ll write about it some other time, i’ve changed my mind.

– i feel like i’ve missed a train, somewhere, i said.
but was it a train ?
you rearranged gently my scarf around my neck, then looked straight into my eyes, with that inherent sadness that i can’t learn to decipher.
say something.

we walked slowly, hands in our pockets because we’d forgotten our gloves. the evening was cold as usual, and i wished i’d take you to the house where we could build a fire, and stay silent in each other’s warmth.
that’s what i said, then.
you laughed quietly, looking at your shoes, just like you were playing some illogical and eternal game with your shadow.
– you never learn, do you ? was your answer.
i smiled.
i can’t learn what you can’t teach.

i took you to the banks of the river, where we watched the sun get burnt in the clouds.
– i can’t teach you to be happy, you said thoughtfully as if you had read in my thoughts. well, maybe you had, actually, read in my mind.
– i’m just asking you to teach me to live, i replied.
– you won’t learn that until you make me leave. it’s the only lesson you can learn from me, you muttered giving me a side glance.
i laughed.
– you don’t really mean it, i know it.
is it what you want ?
– okay, no, you conceded.
a pause. forever.

but you went on.
– still you wish you could make me leave, don’t you ?
saying no would have been a lie, you know.
– yeah, fuck you and leave me now, i said with a dry humour.
you burst out laughing, surprisingly so hard that tears rolled down on your cheeks.
– c’mon then, catch me and kick me out if you can !
i started to run after you, on the deserted paved banks near the dark waters.
i was out of breath long before you. so while you ran further away from me, still laughing, i dug my camera out of my bag and fixed your silhouette as you were approaching the massive arch of the bridge, under a halo of dim light.
you stopped right then, with the decisive click of the shutter.
can i picture the invisible ?

you came back slowly, your regular pace that never makes a sound.
– you can’t picture the invisible, you know, you said a few steps from me.
you rearranged gently my scarf around my neck, then looked straight into my eyes, with that inherent sadness that i can’t learn to decipher.
– i feel like i’ve missed a train, somewhere.
but was it a train ?

so you put your arm around my shoulders, as we started to walk side by side again, our hands in our pockets because we had forgotten our gloves.
we found the way back home, taking our time, for we couldn’t care less about how late it was. i didn’t dare to make you pose for me, even when the lights and surroundings would have been perfect to frame you. we just weren’t in the mood anymore.

later, as i was finally ready to go to bed, i set the alarm and turned out the lights.

– g’night, dear friend solitude.
but you didn’t reply, this time…

“The price of a new car
For you sir we’ll match it.
So drive with the roof down
Pretending there’s no ground there

The TV’s a comfort
When no-one is talking.
Get out of a change
By pretending you’re voiceless,

And you, you never know how to feel love.
The world is going to turn.
Afraid of what you might be
If you let some in.

The price of a new car
For you sir we’ll match it.
So drive with the roof down
Pretending there’s no ground there

The voices in my head
Were always divided.
The clockwork that I’m in
Is of mice and not men.

And you, you never know how to feel love.
The world is going to turn.
Afraid you might be the only way the world is going to learn,
And we never know how to feel
A little happiness.”

buffseeds – a guide to happiness

it’s snowing today. snowflakes twirling above the roofs of the city, falling down in the courtyards before quickly melting in the streets.

can you tell me where i was last year ?

i’m not the kind to promise myself anything on january 1st, because i never keep those kind of drunkard promises.
but this year, i think i’ll quit smoking. not that i really want to quit, but cigarettes are getting expensive as hell.
i’ll put the money i would have spent in a box, which should probably be enough to pay a trip to canada next fall.

can you tell me where i was last year ?

i should also probably send gretting wish cards by email to all my friends and family. i always feel guilty when i get one and i haven’t prepared anything. maybe i’ll have some incredible idea for a personnal card, or maybe i’ll just have an idea.

can you tell me where i was last year ?

a talk with friends yesterday. we’re a few to know that 2004 might be decisive for our futures. we can achieve a lot, we can end up full of dellusions. life is what you make it, everyone says. and here i am, caught in some middle, between resolute optimism, and a pessimism that’s grown inside me all this year, when i’ve looked back at every passing day thinking that tomorrow was another maybe, and eventually coming to the conclusion that there are no maybes, just emptiness. i love what i do, i hate who i am.

january 1st. can you tell me what i’ve done of last year ?

all in all, i don’t have cards to send, but to anyone falling in here, i wish you a happy year 2004.

entre deux verres de champagne et apr?s je ne sais plus combien de temps pass? ? ne pas ?tre tout ? fait d’accord avec L’Excentr?e, nous en sommes venues elle et moi ? la conclusion stup?fiante que je veux juste ?tre meilleure que les autres.

forcemment, apr?s ce constat, j’ai repris un ?ni?me verre de champ’, et j’ai d?cid? d’arr?ter de fumer.

ou?, tutaf?.

demain.

:D