i told you i’m just a thief. worst of it, i don’t know how not to be one.

Eloges en loges – cr?ation styx th?atre

on a chang? d’heure ou c’est encore mon ordi qui d?conne ??
(nan passke la derni?re fois qu’il a d?conn? dans son calendrier interne, je me suis retrouv?e en 2054 donc bon…)

i guess i was used to every day being a sunday. sort of. but what else is a day when you wake up at eleven, read blogs while having a coffee, write some mails, clean a bit your place, work on pictures, go to a concert in the evening and make pictures, come home, read the news and some more blogs, write a bit and then go to bed ?

why did i choose a job that requires me to be hyperactive, when my laziness and strong tendencies to procrastination are beyond common understanding ?

stress is eating me out. every time i hear the shutter snap, i feel a knot in my stomach that threaten to climb up to my chest and throat. every time i go to the lab to pick up pictures, i close my eyes when handing my debit card, and i open them again when i shut down photoshop at home. meanwhile cds full of pictures and sheets with negatives are piling up on my desk and in a cardboard box on the floor. i still haven’t installed the scanner that vince has lent me until i have some money to buy one. i haven’t even opened the box. there’s a plastic bag full of films on my bed, because it’s no use to put them in my fridge when i use an average of two rolls a day.

i spend half of my days being thrilled to have so much work, making other pictures than just concert pictures, meeting people, meeting bands, being able to have serious talks, basically being happy about my job. the other half of the day, i’m paralysed by fear. every time i hear the shutter snap, the knot is here, a reminder of my fear to be doing mistakes. i don’t have a studio, i don’t have portable lights and studio equipment. i just have a camera, old lenses and a basic flash that i hate to use. i have to shoot in badly lit bars, recording studios, concert halls during soundchecks, every time i hear the shutter snap i close my eyes for a split second, hoping, wishing, calculating, mentally envisionning how the picture is going to turn out at worse. i can’t imagine the best, the best is too far out of reach for now, i know what i wish i could do if only i had a bit of time and a nice bunch of money. but i don’t. i try to reassure myself, i say to myself that i’m doing the best i can considering the means i have, the conditions, lights and timing.
then i close my eyes again. until the next concert. the next photo shooting. until i have to deliver a cd with the pictures.

i have what i wanted. this week i’ve made pictures for magazines about every day. i just forgot to plan that there would be only one sunday in a week, i forgot to plan that this only sunday would be hard work on the pictures i’d have shot the week before, because the whole week was only about running from a photo shooting to the lab to a concert, and i forgot to plan the constant knot in my stomach, i forgot to plan to learn dealing with the pressure that i put upon myself.

soundtrack : the stands – it’s only everything

i was reading Elixie‘s last post, and i found myself smiling at first, because it’s cute and tender and pleasant to read, then i wondered why i never write posts about happy loves.

then i stopped wondering. i had sort of a massive headache.

***

so anyway, i went tonight at a small party with photo school ol’ buddies, there was the daily paper “20 minutes” in the metro so i read my horoscope, it said “bet everything on Love, you’ve got a lot to win if you do because your professional life doesn’t worth much these days.”

it was just a misprint, i’m sure they’ll apologize for it tomorrow.

***

we finally got to N.’s new appartment, he just bought it and will have finished paying it in about 25 years. oddly enough, he can take a 25 years loan to buy an appartment but finds himself too immature to have a kid. i know it isn’t exactly the same, but coming to think about it, i don’t consider myself mature enough to have a kid or to buy an appartment, then can i really have a cat ?

***
the party was mostly about asking everybody “so, watcha doin’ now ?” and answering that very question to them. i got there a bit late, so when i arrived, all eyes were on me while i was replying in an awfully shy way, which is very odd considering i’ve spend two years getting drunk, saying crude jokes and printing pictures in a darkroom with them. you’d think those things could avoid any awkwardness during parties, but obviously not.
so that’s how i learnt that a friend wanted to get married before having kids and that yes, she was considering getting married. i kinda felt weird at this moment.
short after that i heard another friend say yeah well, i won’t look for another job right now, with the kid and all.
his kid will be born in a couple of weeks.
i hope it didn’t show that i started to freak out.
then i realized i was at that age when old buddies-let’s talk about good ol’ times-parties would become more and more just talks about weddings and being engaged and kids’ teeth and schools and birth.

it makes me feel really old and incredibly young at the same time.

fortunately, there was my couple of gay friends who are together for more than four years and they didn’t talk about getting married or adopting a kid, they just said how one spent a year in dresden and wanted to live in berlin and how the other was going to japan for two months for an artistic project, how he’d go to toronto right after and how he was just back from china where he made a photo exhibition.
that was so much more my idea of what an ex-photo-students reunion should be.

***

at the end, i took the metro back with vince and we had an argument, we’re kind of an old couple, i know. he said that “people” are dumb and that “people” don’t know how to recognize a brilliant picture from an ugly one if they’re shown both. i didn’t agree of course, i said it was a dumb theory, he made me say out loud that i’m intelligent and educated then said he wouldn’t have the pretention to say that about himself and that me saying this was brain masturbation.
of course, i always forget that being conscious that you’re not a moron without culture and education is about worse to be one. i suppose the best attitude is to say that people are dumb and not try to be a bit better than that. way to go. my massive headache is back.

you arrange and rearrange your aim to shoot at close range, you said i needed the ground i needed to settle down, before the void we waited in vain hoping for the last time that if we didn’t move if we didn’t look we’d stop falling. i watch the fractures now, i trace reminders in the snow knowing everything will be gone by tomorrow but i can’t, i can’t make a path back to the point where you shot me first. you told my brother i never was the same again, accidental coincidence you called it like you didn’t want to explain why you put your finger on the trigger, but it doesn’t matter i can take the blame, before the void i won’t try to make you understand what deed was sealed with the kiss and the bullet that reached deep into the target, i’ll just stand up, so shoot and make up, you said i needed the ground i needed to settle down, i wasn’t fierce enough to take revenge but i wanted to change…