i turn down the music a bit, i can’t concentrate anymore to write and read with music for a few weeks, i don’t know how come. maybe just another change. maybe i just can’t concentrate at all anymore, except on pictures.
i don’t have much time to do anything else anyway.
i’m out to make concert pictures twice a week, sometimes more. i run to the lab and back twice a week to drop and get the films, praying every time that my debit card will accept it. i count how much money i haven’t got 60 seconds per minute. i work for friends on week ends. i meet with my editors. i try to go to see exhibitions. i’m giving up going to the movies ever again. i baby-sit a cool kid sometimes to pay for my cigarettes. i spend the rest of the time working on the pictures, writing emails, wondering if i’ll ever find the time to update my website, worrying about not knowing where this blog is going, trying to eat proper food and chasing insomnias…
i’m not complaining though. this is only the beginning, and i’m facing the other side of learning. the past year has been a bliss, somehow. i made pictures mostly for myself, i figured out that everything would come sooner or later, if i was patient enough, if i put enough passion in what i was doing, and for a year, i found some peace in the idea that the changes would come later, that i didn’t need to learn anything besides how to be better with photography.
everything was broken already, or on the verge to be broken. i just had to build something else and find some confidence in creating new things, in inventing what i wanted my life to be.
i’ve shed some more skins, i’ve lost what i had to lose, and i’ve watched the roads behind me getting slowly darker and darker, until the only attractive lights were right in front of me.
now i don’t know.
i’m going to have a cat, i’m paid to make pictures, i’m published, i have deadlines, assignements, editors, requirements to meet, i need to improve my writing, i need to concentrate twice as much for everything, i need to define priorities, i need to learn a lot more about the job i’m paid for, and i also need to be a bit good at it, and not just good enough for myself, and i need to stop being just an asocial brat…
it was easy to say i don’t know some time ago. it was easy to say i will learn this and that later. now i’m supposed to know more, and i’m supposed to learn now and give it a try now, i’m supposed to see for myself how things work, i’m supposed to try those brand new wings, aren’t i ?
but now that i’ve started again to build new things, i’m scared like hell to break them. because i’m careless, because i didn’t pay attention, because i took for granted, because i’m afraid not to know, because i’m afraid to move in the wrong direction, because i’m too proud to accept to fail, because sometimes, things break themselves and you don’t know why, and you can try to blame the cat or the wind or whatever and it still wouldn’t explain the whys and the hows.
i wish that i could stop to say i wish i knew, and just know. i wish i could stop to say i wish i dared and just dare. i wish i could just stop to say i wish whatever.
still i wish i could just go on, and stumble if i have to, and still go on. no matter what. because i can laugh now at what made me worried and sad just a few months ago.
but why is it that growing up seems like a impossible task when it isn’t merely an option anymore ?
and i feel that i just keep repeating the same things to myself periodically. you’d think that after a while it would be assimilated, but obviously not…
soundtrack : krezip – i would stay
