– i’m scared to make a mistake, you say, looking far too serious.
– how’s that ? i ask to the golden sparkles in your eyes.

everything is special with you, everything is typical with you, at the same time. i’d just followed you backstage to say goodbye, while you were picking up your jacket and you had replied to my “do you always have to leave that fast ?” with a smile and a “always, that’s how i am.” but then, you’d changed our usual light kisses on cheeks by long tender kisses of another kind, i could feel you shaking and shivering in my arms, and i’d found that cute and beautiful.
then, your serious face, and i’m scared to make a mistake.
how’s that ?

– i still have R. in mind, you finally say apologetically, almost shamefully.
so what ?
– i understand, i mutter, but you’ll be okay you know…
and again, your smile that could never be without another kissing attack.
i feel like it’s all a dej?-vu, but it doesn’t hurt, this time. i thought i’d had sworn to myself a long time ago that i was finished with people who couldn’t deal with their exes. three years, two days, you tell me what’s the difference, because me, i can’t, i always find myself in the same position, patient and understanding, all for nothing, and maybe it’s the name that has everything to do with it, but then again, i believe neither in fate nor in coincidences, so you tell me what’s the difference.

– i don’t want to hurt you, you go on, and i feel like laughing, because i know what my inseparable told you about being careful with me, but i know you’re sincere.
d’you really think i was made of sugar ? i adore you, i’m not in love with you, i’ve learned the difference and i’ll teach you anytime.
i smile.
– it’s not like we’re making any promise here, is it ? i say.
– i know, you mutter, but i just don’t know if it’s a good idea, i don’t know where we’re going…
– and ? i smile again, i hold you tight, and say softly that if we knew beforehand what we were going to find, and how it was going to be, would we ever want to go ?

i can’t remember how many times i’ve heard you say you wanted a girlfriend, maybe it was because you’re too shy or reserved to admit how badly you just want to fall in love like crazy for the first time. i won’t annoy you with saying i’ve been there before, even if i have, even if everything you’re living now has been lived by me and half the world at least in some way, and it makes me feel old and experienced, oddly enough, to watch a part of who i was some time ago in you now.
i can feel you’re scared, i can feel you have just no idea of what you want, because you don’t know yet the difference there is between what you hope for and what you finally get, this is something you’ll just have to learn, accept the reality and deal with it, there’s no dream girl that will fall in your life and be exactly what you always wished for. you can still dream, you can still place your expectations as high as you can, just like me, and yet, make the best of what you have in the meantime.

live & let live

– i don’t know, i just…i don’t want to hurt you, you say again before we kiss again.
– i can take care of myself, i reply and i come to realize that i mean it, i really can.
– it’s just…what if it lasts a couple of days, i don’t know…
– uh-huh, a brand new world record then ? i retort with a chuckle.
– nope, it would take eight days to beat it.
i watch your face and i feel you’re just way too serious again.

at least, i’m thinking, i can already guess what you’ll tell me if you change your mind, it’s all in the movie we’ve both worked on, it’s all on the t-shirt you’ve asked me to make you for fun, the it’s not you, it’s me, the you’re great and i don’t deserve you, the i’m not ready it’s not the right moment, the i still got my ex in mind, the i really care about you, the i’d like us to stay friends…
if you need, even, i’ll teach you some other good lines of the same kind, i’ve heard really pretty ones, so you can use them with any girl you want to dump, they work with anyone whatever the situation you’re in, so feel free, it’s not like they’re so overused that they don’t mean anything at all anymore.

– you okay ? i ask, trying to decipher your gaze.
you sigh and say you’re okay. this isn’t exactly the best place to have a quiet talk about it all, it isn’t even the best place to make out, i come to notice. funny how i don’t mind at all kissing someone in the most crowded place, in the oddest places, this must probably be my taste for the smallest things that make life a bit less predictable.
but even if it had been the best place talk, i’m not sure that i would have been able to. maybe i should just tell you to relax and live day by day, to try to see the good part in everything, to stop thinking and analyzing things for a minute, because there is always time for that, and we all forget so often to just l.i.v.e…
i let you go home after a last kiss and my already usual “call me tomorrow” because everything i could tell you now is something you’ll have to find out for yourself…

yeah, just live & let live…

and i know you’ll keep me posted about your discoveries.