i guess i was used to every day being a sunday. sort of. but what else is a day when you wake up at eleven, read blogs while having a coffee, write some mails, clean a bit your place, work on pictures, go to a concert in the evening and make pictures, come home, read the news and some more blogs, write a bit and then go to bed ?

why did i choose a job that requires me to be hyperactive, when my laziness and strong tendencies to procrastination are beyond common understanding ?

stress is eating me out. every time i hear the shutter snap, i feel a knot in my stomach that threaten to climb up to my chest and throat. every time i go to the lab to pick up pictures, i close my eyes when handing my debit card, and i open them again when i shut down photoshop at home. meanwhile cds full of pictures and sheets with negatives are piling up on my desk and in a cardboard box on the floor. i still haven’t installed the scanner that vince has lent me until i have some money to buy one. i haven’t even opened the box. there’s a plastic bag full of films on my bed, because it’s no use to put them in my fridge when i use an average of two rolls a day.

i spend half of my days being thrilled to have so much work, making other pictures than just concert pictures, meeting people, meeting bands, being able to have serious talks, basically being happy about my job. the other half of the day, i’m paralysed by fear. every time i hear the shutter snap, the knot is here, a reminder of my fear to be doing mistakes. i don’t have a studio, i don’t have portable lights and studio equipment. i just have a camera, old lenses and a basic flash that i hate to use. i have to shoot in badly lit bars, recording studios, concert halls during soundchecks, every time i hear the shutter snap i close my eyes for a split second, hoping, wishing, calculating, mentally envisionning how the picture is going to turn out at worse. i can’t imagine the best, the best is too far out of reach for now, i know what i wish i could do if only i had a bit of time and a nice bunch of money. but i don’t. i try to reassure myself, i say to myself that i’m doing the best i can considering the means i have, the conditions, lights and timing.
then i close my eyes again. until the next concert. the next photo shooting. until i have to deliver a cd with the pictures.

i have what i wanted. this week i’ve made pictures for magazines about every day. i just forgot to plan that there would be only one sunday in a week, i forgot to plan that this only sunday would be hard work on the pictures i’d have shot the week before, because the whole week was only about running from a photo shooting to the lab to a concert, and i forgot to plan the constant knot in my stomach, i forgot to plan to learn dealing with the pressure that i put upon myself.

soundtrack : the stands – it’s only everything