ceremonies to celebrate the winners of important photography prizes STILL depress me.

tonight, i was at the ceremony for the kodak critics prize. as far as i know, it’s given to french young talented photographers to help them promote their work. that and the 7500 bucks for the winner. :eek:
it seems like there was one winner, two special “we love your work but you’ll get peanuts” prizes and three “your portfolio was cool but not good enough, thanks for playing with us, you won a kodak 200iso film”.
yeah, well, i know, i wouldn’t spit on any of the mentions if i was to participate in such a prize.

so why the evening was so bad ?

i saw again the stupid moron i was in training course with. he was the studio employee while i was the trainee. the thing is, he’s an awful untalented photographer and he still works in a studio making packshots of bottles of water and peas cans while “waiting for something better.”
his words.
“what better can YOU expect ??” i almost said.
– nice, i said instead.
– what about you ? he asked, with his obnoxious patronizing tone which i’ve spent six weeks perfecting my hate against.
i HAD to make it bigger. class 1 lie. omission.
– making concert and bands pictures. getting published.
understand : “making concert pictures once every month, getting published at the same rhythm, not being paid.”
but that was a cool omission anyway. plus, he didn’t ask further, because he’s so egotistical that he can’t show any interest in other people. yet i know it would have pleased him greatly if i’d said that i was cashier in a shop. the little asshole !

it lead me to think that it’s bad enough to have to see talented people waiting for something better, so it kills me to hear untalented stupid guys saying that something better will come to them, eventually, if they wait and make shit for long enough. well, i just want to say to them, you just wait that the talented people get something better, and then maybe, there will be some left for you.
okay, maybe i’m not that mean, and also, maybe talented people’s better isn’t the same that untalented people’s. so yeah, let’s let everybody WAIT for something better. and miss it, because we never know when we do actually have the better. once we’ll get it, we won’t be able to recognize it, and we’ll still want something better. always.
my point being, don’t wait for the better, but learn to recognize it and make it, day after day. and maybe someday, we can turn back and watch behind us, and think wow, this is WAY better than a few months ago.

are hopes and dreams so present in human nature that we can’t stop hoping, just to have a clear and realistic look at what we already have ?
are hopes and dreams the only motivations that we have to bear to live in the life that we partially create ourselves ? i say partially, because we’re not the masters of everything in our lives, although, i’m not really sure of that.
but anyway, an example. i have this idea, this hope, for this summer. something big. something that maybe, could help me getting really started. i’ve talked about it to some trustworthy persons. some told me “go for it, it’s great, it may really work !”, one told me “huh, you SURE you could sell it, get your investment back ? you sure you have a potential demand for that ? you sure you won’t have done it for nothing ??”
but OF COURSE i’m not sure, duh !
i just need to hope desperately that first, i can make it, and second, that i won’t end up with more debts than i already have.

hmmm…and now i can’t remember why ceremonies to give their prizes to talented young photographers depress me.

ah, yeah, i remember, actually. it’s because i’m here, stuck on my chair writing on a stupid journal, while i should be somewhere else, anywhere else, making tons of pictures and trying to get a bit better, making my photography a bit better, and stop waiting and hoping that it will eventually, in a snap of fingers. or shutter. whatever.