– i think i’ve missed the point, i said.
is it so much a matter of point ?
you stopped writing, raising your head from your small notepad, and looked straight into my eyes, with that resigned look that i know all too well.
you had taken me for a silent walk on the shore again, and i couldn’t tell what you were looking for that always brought you back here when we were together.
give me some explanation.
– i just love this place, you answered with a genuine smile.
just loving something is always good enough for you to explain about anything, and as i loved that part of you, i followed you and stayed with you every time you summoned me, even when there wasn’t any obvious point to your lonely walks.

“Skip like a stone on the water
Fall with no trace to lie permanently”

you were writing again, singing a song of love and hate to yourself.
i looked at the ocean, enjoying the soft wind on my face, my eyes closed. i knew exactly the moment when you took your camera and aimed at me.
– it’s unfair, i’m always somewhere in your pictures, i muttered with a sigh, my eyes still closed.
– not always.
i could guess that you shrugged your shoulders when you went on :
– i do also take pictures of people, you know !
– yeah, out of focus, unknown “people”, i mocked you.
– well fuck you !
i felt you turning away from me, and trying to make a frame once again. you simply didn’t notice you were still aiming at me.
we live in parallel universes.
i opened my eyes, and looked around us, your shadow that seemed to run away from you in the short grass, the tiny chapel so white that it was catching all the sun reflections and make me blink, the cliffs from which you could frame the ocean and waves in thousand different ways until you would get something that would satisfy you for more than a few seconds.
nothing is good enough, i know.
– what do i look like in your pictures ? i was curious.
– nothing more than what you are : a massive pain in the ass, you replied on the casual tone you use when you’re half joking but still half serious.
i didn’t feel hurt, i know you need me as badly as your own eyes.
– yet, people will say it’s another gorgeous shot.
i was teasing you, for the sake of it. you didn’t seem too concerned though.
– i’m not interested in people’s opinions, you replied briskly.
i laughed.

we finally got up and climbed down the hill without following any of the well designed paths. inspiration had left you and i didn’t want to know any of the words you had written, for nothing you were writing these days was helping you in any way. you just hadn’t realized it yet.
we walked silently for a while, stopping sometimes to have a look at the light and consider the day done by then. i needed to start our repetitive conversation again, because we could never get to any compromise.
– are you sure you really need me ? i began.
you looked surprised, as if i’d betrayed you.
– what a fucking stupid question ! you nearly shouted, as anger was speaking for you.
– that’s still not an answer, i said on a soft tone, giving you a side glance. thin as you are, i was always amazed that you could stand in heavy winds without being carried away. but maybe that was your way to believe you could fly.
now don’t sigh.

you sighed. so unsure of yourself. hitting where it hurt was my game as much as it was your own.
we finally reached the jetty, where you used to play in the rocks all day long when you were a kid, and you still hadn’t given me any sort of answer – or any answer that i would find acceptable. at the far end, where the waves were trying to lick our feet, you kept watching the sun for as long as you felt that the world outside yourself didn’t need you. then you looked straight into my eyes, with that tense look, almost feverish, that can carry all what you live for, and i couldn’t guess whether you were about to explode in tears or in laughter.
– i’m leaving tomorrow, you know, you whispered with a dry edge in your voice, as if every word you were saying to me was a knife you were using to stab yourself.
i’ll meet you there again, then.
– you don’t want to change, do you ?
– i don’t know, maybe i would, but i’m scared to, i’m scared that i can’t…
are anger and fear your only motivations ?
– i’ll meet you there again, then.
tame your own monsters.

i started to walk slowly backwards, as not to lose the sight of you defying the wind, lost in your thoughts, and after a few steps, i took back the path of my mists.

i heard you sing again your song of love and hate to me.
and as i needed to teach you to live without your dear friend solitude,
i didn’t turn back, this time…

dire un truc ?