« …i’ll try not to expect you to give as much as i think i do. »

rhythms of life, cycles of days and change of seasons, where do they lead us ?
we all start at some point, trying to figure out a goal at which to aim, our bodies and minds tense by focusing too long on some distant point that we can barely see.

meanwhile, rhythms of life, cycles of days and change of seasons show us the way, a path that we see nothing of, because our eyes are staring in the vague space in front of us, or staring at our own nose, preoccupied by our daily occupations, cares and worries.

but i keep in mind that it’s the way that defines the goal and not the contrary, that there’s much more to learn from our own paths than from each goal that we reach.

it’s like climbing a mountain. you may have the most beautiful view from the top, which is why you want to attain it, but since you’ll spend the most time climbing, better learn to enjoy your walk, too, and after all, the best memories i have from my teenage mountain climbs with my brothers weren’t the tops we’d rest on for awhile, they’re from far, the times spent walking and climbing, struggling for breath often, feeling the sun on our faces, and our endless talks that had much more meaning that we were aware of at that time…

we’re all the ones with pretty words in our smiles, planets circling on different orbits, growing to learn our own life rhythms, waiting for a change in the air to decide which season we are and what we’re supposed to do according to the period of the year. but today, i think, i feel, it could just be an afternoon late april, if i want.

attendre caresse – passion cherche e-mail frivole –
sommes magiques – vais bien ?me ami –
allez froid d?sir belle folie alors votre mille ange –
nocturne verbiage d?licieux – amer vent jour –
sable soleil boire apr?s suave baiser l?vre –
rire hier leur ciel – humour vertige tandem –

(…)

i know i shouldn’t, but this old topic has to come up to my mind regularly, or i’d lose myself and the little insight that i have on myself.
what if suddenly, i stopped moving, and stayed still until everthing – doesn’t – come to me ?
what if suddenly, i stopped struggling for some hypothetical results, a distant future that i can never guess ?
what if suddenly, i stopped being convinced that my eye worth more than just anybody’s eye ?
what if suddenly, i stopped believing that i’m an artist ?
what if suddenly, i stopped trusting my good fortune ?
what if suddenly, i stopped deciding every day when i wake up that i can’t let it down ?
what if suddenly, i stopped thinking that it’s just stronger than me ?

what if suddenly, i stopped having pictures in my head and tried to draw them with a camera ?

i want to tell you a story. a couple of weeks ago, i was trying to find sleep, it was very late, maybe three, maybe four, i don’t know, i had lost the count of the hours dangling in my room, slowly dropping from the darkness and getting my brain confused.
i had lost myself in thoughts, i was envisionning possibilities for this summer. would i be able to make it ? would it worth it ? did i have the shadow of a chance ? could it go as i wanted it ? i was worried, making counts of everything, remembering dates, schedules, prices, and to quit envisionning numbers frighteningly high, i started to imagine the kind of images i should/would/could make there, maybe.
and something precise came to me, i saw in black and white the face of a woman, sitting down with some papers in her hands. she was some singer, and i was standing a few meters from her, looking at her lost in her thoughts. as i decided to picture her, and aimed at her from my side of the lens, a man dressed in black came in my frame from the left between us, just as she suddenly stared at me, and i pressed the shutter-release slowly.
on the picture, her face was cut in half by the man, and one of her intense eyes was still gazing at me.

i played with this imaginary picture like a toy until i found sleep, eventually, sometimes later. then i forgot it.

last friday, i was playing with my camera backstage, and i made the picture you can see tonight. it’s not finished, because no one is staring at me, but it just a matter of time.
but what bothers me tonight is : what if suddenly, i stopped having pictures in my head and tried to draw them with a camera ?

l?, tout de suite, envie de me blottir, de chaud, de dormir au moins une nuit enti?re sans me r?veiller, sans r?ver, sans tr?ve.
l?, tout de suite, me dire que je bosserai demain, que le soleil se l?vera bien assez t?t demain, que j’aurai du temps demain.
l?, tout de suite, envie de l?cher prise, de diminuer la pression, d’?tre patiente, de me laisser porter, d’essayer d’appr?cier mes deux derniers mois de relative s?curit?.
l?, tout de suite, envie de changer d’avis, de changer d’ambitions, d’?tre dilettante, d’h?siter ? nouveau, de ne plus avoir de certitudes, ni de cette chose qui me tient le bide et me r?chauffe de l’int?rieur.

et pourtant, l?, tout de suite, mettre de la musique, fermer mozilla, lancer photoshop, ouvrir textpad, et finaliser 150 photos, mettre mon site ? jour, boire du th?, graver des cds d’archives, r?pondre aux mails importants, rallumer le chauffage, fumer des clopes, pour finir par me coucher ? pas d’heure, seule. seule avec mes peurs, mes doutes, mes maux de t?te, mes actes manqu?s, la t?te vide, le ventre tordu, pour quelques heures de r?pit pass?es ? regarder le plafond en me demandant pourquoi je ne peux pas dormir trois heures d’affil?es.

bonne soir?e ? vous aussi…

vala, je suis pr?te ? donner mon r?veil, mon corps, mon G5, mon talent, mon ?me, mes yeux, mon coeur, mon token du m?tro de NY ? celui ou celle qui me d?gote une place/pass photo/invit/accredit’/boulot de machinos/trou de souris pour le concert des White Stripes dimanche prochain au Z?nith de Paris !

on ne pourra pas dire que je n’ai pas TOUT essay?…*soupir*