– i think i’ve missed the point, i said.
is it so much a matter of point ?
you stopped writing, raising your head from your small notepad, and looked straight into my eyes, with that resigned look that i know all too well.
you had taken me for a silent walk on the shore again, and i couldn’t tell what you were looking for that always brought you back here when we were together.
give me some explanation.
– i just love this place, you answered with a genuine smile.
just loving something is always good enough for you to explain about anything, and as i loved that part of you, i followed you and stayed with you every time you summoned me, even when there wasn’t any obvious point to your lonely walks.

« Skip like a stone on the water
Fall with no trace to lie permanently »
you were writing again, singing a song of love and hate to yourself.
i looked at the ocean, enjoying the soft wind on my face, my eyes closed. i knew exactly the moment when you took your camera and aimed at me.
– it’s unfair, i’m always somewhere in your pictures, i muttered with a sigh, my eyes still closed.
– not always.
i could guess that you shrugged your shoulders when you went on :
– i do also take pictures of people, you know !
– yeah, out of focus, unknown « people », i mocked you.
– well fuck you !
i felt you turning away from me, and trying to make a frame once again. you simply didn’t notice you were still aiming at me.
we live in parallel universes.
i opened my eyes, and looked around us, your shadow that seemed to run away from you in the short grass, the tiny chapel so white that it was catching all the sun reflections and make me blink, the cliffs from which you could frame the ocean and waves in thousand different ways until you would get something that would satisfy you for more than a few seconds.
nothing is good enough, i know.
– what do i look like in your pictures ? i was curious.
– nothing more than what you are : a massive pain in the ass, you replied on the casual tone you use when you’re half joking but still half serious.
i didn’t feel hurt, i know you need me as badly as your own eyes.
– yet, people will say it’s another gorgeous shot.
i was teasing you, for the sake of it. you didn’t seem too concerned though.
– i’m not interested in people’s opinions, you replied briskly.
i laughed.
liar.

we finally got up and climbed down the hill without following any of the well designed paths. inspiration had left you and i didn’t want to know any of the words you had written, for nothing you were writing these days was helping you in any way. you just hadn’t realized it yet.
we walked silently for a while, stopping sometimes to have a look at the light and consider the day done by then. i needed to start our repetitive conversation again, because we could never get to any compromise.
– are you sure you really need me ? i began.
you looked surprised, as if i’d betrayed you.
– what a fucking stupid question ! you nearly shouted, as anger was speaking for you.
– that’s still not an answer, i said on a soft tone, giving you a side glance. thin as you are, i was always amazed that you could stand in heavy winds without being carried away. but maybe that was your way to believe you could fly.
now don’t sigh.

you sighed. so unsure of yourself. hitting where it hurt was my game as much as it was your own.
we finally reached the jetty, where you used to play in the rocks all day long when you were a kid, and you still hadn’t given me any sort of answer – or any answer that i would find acceptable. at the far end, where the waves were trying to lick our feet, you kept watching the sun for as long as you felt that the world outside yourself didn’t need you. then you looked straight into my eyes, with that tense look, almost feverish, that can carry all what you live for, and i couldn’t guess whether you were about to explode in tears or in laughter.
– i’m leaving tomorrow, you know, you whispered with a dry edge in your voice, as if every word you were saying to me was a knife you were using to stab yourself.
i’ll meet you there again, then.
– you don’t want to change, do you ?
– i don’t know, maybe i would, but i’m scared to, i’m scared that i can’t…
are anger and fear your only motivations ?
– i’ll meet you there again, then.
tame your own monsters.

i started to walk slowly backwards, as not to lose the sight of you defying the wind, lost in your thoughts, and after a few steps, i took back the path of my mists.

i heard you sing again your song of love and hate to me.
and as i needed to teach you to live without your dear friend solitude,
i didn’t turn back, this time…

huh…well, yeah, no, not now, i don’t know, i’ll write about it some other time, i’ve changed my mind.

– i feel like i’ve missed a train, somewhere, i said.
but was it a train ?
you rearranged gently my scarf around my neck, then looked straight into my eyes, with that inherent sadness that i can’t learn to decipher.
say something.

we walked slowly, hands in our pockets because we’d forgotten our gloves. the evening was cold as usual, and i wished i’d take you to the house where we could build a fire, and stay silent in each other’s warmth.
that’s what i said, then.
you laughed quietly, looking at your shoes, just like you were playing some illogical and eternal game with your shadow.
– you never learn, do you ? was your answer.
i smiled.
i can’t learn what you can’t teach.

i took you to the banks of the river, where we watched the sun get burnt in the clouds.
– i can’t teach you to be happy, you said thoughtfully as if you had read in my thoughts. well, maybe you had, actually, read in my mind.
– i’m just asking you to teach me to live, i replied.
– you won’t learn that until you make me leave. it’s the only lesson you can learn from me, you muttered giving me a side glance.
i laughed.
– you don’t really mean it, i know it.
is it what you want ?
– okay, no, you conceded.
a pause. forever.

but you went on.
– still you wish you could make me leave, don’t you ?
saying no would have been a lie, you know.
– yeah, fuck you and leave me now, i said with a dry humour.
you burst out laughing, surprisingly so hard that tears rolled down on your cheeks.
– c’mon then, catch me and kick me out if you can !
i started to run after you, on the deserted paved banks near the dark waters.
i was out of breath long before you. so while you ran further away from me, still laughing, i dug my camera out of my bag and fixed your silhouette as you were approaching the massive arch of the bridge, under a halo of dim light.
you stopped right then, with the decisive click of the shutter.
can i picture the invisible ?

you came back slowly, your regular pace that never makes a sound.
– you can’t picture the invisible, you know, you said a few steps from me.
you rearranged gently my scarf around my neck, then looked straight into my eyes, with that inherent sadness that i can’t learn to decipher.
– i feel like i’ve missed a train, somewhere.
but was it a train ?

so you put your arm around my shoulders, as we started to walk side by side again, our hands in our pockets because we had forgotten our gloves.
we found the way back home, taking our time, for we couldn’t care less about how late it was. i didn’t dare to make you pose for me, even when the lights and surroundings would have been perfect to frame you. we just weren’t in the mood anymore.

later, as i was finally ready to go to bed, i set the alarm and turned out the lights.

– g’night, dear friend solitude.
but you didn’t reply, this time…

« The price of a new car
For you sir we’ll match it.
So drive with the roof down
Pretending there’s no ground there

The TV’s a comfort
When no-one is talking.
Get out of a change
By pretending you’re voiceless,

And you, you never know how to feel love.
The world is going to turn.
Afraid of what you might be
If you let some in.

The price of a new car
For you sir we’ll match it.
So drive with the roof down
Pretending there’s no ground there

The voices in my head
Were always divided.
The clockwork that I’m in
Is of mice and not men.

And you, you never know how to feel love.
The world is going to turn.
Afraid you might be the only way the world is going to learn,
And we never know how to feel
A little happiness. »

buffseeds – a guide to happiness

it’s snowing today. snowflakes twirling above the roofs of the city, falling down in the courtyards before quickly melting in the streets.

can you tell me where i was last year ?

i’m not the kind to promise myself anything on january 1st, because i never keep those kind of drunkard promises.
but this year, i think i’ll quit smoking. not that i really want to quit, but cigarettes are getting expensive as hell.
i’ll put the money i would have spent in a box, which should probably be enough to pay a trip to canada next fall.

can you tell me where i was last year ?

i should also probably send gretting wish cards by email to all my friends and family. i always feel guilty when i get one and i haven’t prepared anything. maybe i’ll have some incredible idea for a personnal card, or maybe i’ll just have an idea.

can you tell me where i was last year ?

a talk with friends yesterday. we’re a few to know that 2004 might be decisive for our futures. we can achieve a lot, we can end up full of dellusions. life is what you make it, everyone says. and here i am, caught in some middle, between resolute optimism, and a pessimism that’s grown inside me all this year, when i’ve looked back at every passing day thinking that tomorrow was another maybe, and eventually coming to the conclusion that there are no maybes, just emptiness. i love what i do, i hate who i am.

january 1st. can you tell me what i’ve done of last year ?

all in all, i don’t have cards to send, but to anyone falling in here, i wish you a happy year 2004.